People thought that you needed me.  What they didn't know is I needed you more.

Forever Changed

When ever I heard of a parent  having a child die no matter the age of the child I would think to myself that I could never imagine how they felt. My heart went out to them. I would ask God to help them
and to watch over the family.
Now I am that parent.
On May 28th 2013, a Tuesday, my youngest child, my only son was killed in a car accident.
I am  forever changed.
There is a "club" that I joined unwilling that day. Every parent that has had a child die is a member.  The death of a child is the worst kind of grief that anyone could image.  Only the members of the "club" know the feeling of this grief.  There are no actions or words that soften it.
I was watching one of my favorite TV shows, NCIS.  Ziva (one of the characters on the show) was speaking to a young girl whose father had died. The young girl asked "do you ever get over the loss?"
 Ziva replied "Loss is a part of life, but how we respond to it is a very personal thing. One gets over the loss of a wallet or a watch, but a loved one?  They never leave you. You never get over it.  You only get through."
Funny that a television show explained dealing with grief.  "We will never get over it, we get through."  Kurt and I didn't loose our child.  We know where he is.  He is with us everyday.  Nic is in our hearts forever. We will never "get over it." We are forever changed.  
Today is the one year Angelversary.  The day Nic left the world.  Will it be more difficult than the past 364 days? No.  Will it be more difficult that the coming days?  No.  I have been told numerous times that with the passing of the days that my grief will get softer. I like softer.  When it comes to me I will welcome it.

My little cowboy

Maddox grandchild #3 dressed for Cowboy Day. Cutest cowboy at preschool :-)

With you

Thank you for the KISS picture

Job

You men have no idea what we're dealing with down there. Teeth placement, and jaw stress, and suction, and gag reflex, and all the while bobbing up and down, moaning and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don't call it a job for nothin'. --- Sex In The City

Me

I know it seems like I'm this strong person who can get though anything, but inside I'm fragile. I've had so many things thrown at me, and each one has only made a crack. What I'm afraid of is shattering.

Save my Brain Cells

If one of my brain cells died every time you made me sad

If one of my brain cells died every time you make me cry

If one of my brain cells died every time you made me mad

If one of my brain cells died every time I ask why……

I know that there would be nothing left in my head

I would be declared totally, 100% brain dead!!!!!